I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
