My first STD was from a foam party
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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