woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize