I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
