like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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