Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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