I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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