I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
