I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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