Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You ate ashes out of my bong
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
