I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
