If that was your dad, he is hot
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
