my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Small penises have feelings too.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
