The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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