My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It's never too late to be topless.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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