he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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