had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
