She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
