mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
