at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
