His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
