So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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