So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
