I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
