when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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