i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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