Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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