if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
