You smell like a Billy Joel song
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
