we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
