you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
