I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
