I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
