Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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