I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
