I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
