tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
