I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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