last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
