I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My vagina is very pro this idea
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
