everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize