you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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