Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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