moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize