If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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