I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
