The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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