No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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