Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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