Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
