I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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