I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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