I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
