Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
