i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
