if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize