I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize