I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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