I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
