i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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