do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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