Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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