"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
