On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
