I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
