ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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